Check It Out: How Long Will I Live?

New research is finding some clues to longevity. Well…not a recipe, exactly; but characteristics associated with living to 100.

How do I stack up? Let’s see…

Clue #1: How many oldsters are there in your family?

·      I don’t know; they’re all dead. (In fairness, many of them were in their 90’s)

Clue #2:  How fast and how far can you walk?

·      Depends who’s chasing me.

           Clue 3: Do you have a lot of people in your life?

·      Do bill collectors count?

Clue 4:  Are you a woman?

·      Hang on, let me check.

Clue 5: (for women only) Did you have a child after 35?

·      My kids were born when I was 37 and 39. Before that I was partying.

Clue 6: When were you born?

·      I can’t remember. But the research says the younger you are, the longer you’ll live. No sh*t. (How much did we pay for this research?)

Clue 7: Do you worry, but not too much?

·      Huh? Of course I worry. But then I forget about it. Like, what’s the point?

Clue 8: Is your weight normal? Or are you only slightly overweight?

·      What’s normal? My weight is normal for me. I’m skinny with a big ass.

Clue 9: How long are your telomeres?

·      Is this a dirty question? Anyway, who knows?

Clue 10: Are you a positive person?

·      Well, I’m more positive than negative. This is because I’m imaginative. I see approaching doom, and change the channel.

So, how did I do? Let’s put it this way: if I live to 100, that’d be all right, but only under the following conditions:

• ·      I get a facelift.
• ·      I get a lotta money.
• ·      The world never runs out of beer.
• ·      Extremists find me boring.

 That’ll do, yessiree!